Inde-SIGH-siveness: July 2008

WARNING: Extremely long wall of text ahead... so long that it puts the Great Wall of China to shame! However, I can vouch that the article will definitely make an interesting read, therefore do kindly try to finish it.

Have any of you ever read 第一次的親密接觸 (clickity click to read the original novel online), authored by 蔡智恆 before?

Being a Chinese without any education on my native language, it is certainly disheartening that I do not possess any privilege of enjoying the story even for a single paragraph. Fortunately, I somehow stumbled upon a translated version - albeit shorter - written years ago by kolslorr.

Keep in mind again that the story below is not authored by me. Permission has been granted for the publicaton of the story and hence, all credits should go to kolslorr.

I met her on the net. How did it happen? I can't remember. But it seems to me that it is this 'little theory' which I declared in the cyberspace that caught her attention.

'If I have a million dollars, I would buy a house.
Do I have a million? No.
That's why I don't have a house.
If I have wings, I can fly.
Do I have wings? No.
So I can never fly.
If all the waters are drawn out of Pacific Ocean,
It still can't put off the flame of love between us.
Can all the waters of Pacific Ocean be drawn? No.
That's why I don't love you.

That's me, a typical science student. Firstly, you come up with an assumption, then you fit a suitable conclusion. If the proposed assumption doesn't stand at all, then everything is just bullshit. I guess this is what they call 'unromantic'. But she is an exception. She actually mailed me and said that I'm an 'interesting' person. Interesting? What a word to use on me. Its like using 'faithful' on Mr. Clinton. I thought this girl is either a low-IQ organism, or suffering from serious brain damage.

Anyway, her nick doesn't seems so bad. -FLYNDANCE-. that's quite a unique one. But I was warning myself that in this world-- the virtual world of Internet-- one never knows what might be lurking behind a beautiful nick. Talking from experience, most of the time it will be a 'dinosaur' in disguise, the only difference will be whether it is a carnivore or a herbivore. But, I know she is way different from a 'dinosaur'. She is special.

So I guess it's time for the appearance of FlyNDance. Ever since she mailed to tell me that I'm 'interesting', I was always wishing to meet her in #ajcrr. Too bad, lady luck was just not on my side. So I can only reply her letter to tell her that I will start to train myself to become an 'interesting' person, just to show that she is far-sighted. She replied my reply. I replied her reply to my reply. She again replied my reply to her reply etc... Actually what interested me the most is this paragraph she wrote in one of the mails....

I dance swiftly, amidst the crowd.
your glance on me be it surprise, be it admiration, it ain't gonna stop my rhythm
'cos it's not your glance that made me dance, it's my heart of youth.

I simply cannot relate this girl to any of the 'dinosaurs'. But if she really is a dinosaur, I'm willing to let her have her fill. Tye, my best pal, unfortunately noticed my little affair with FlyNDance and has been perpetually warning me about this. "HELLO!!! you don't even know what she looks like, why take the risk? maybe 'she' is a guy!!" I can't blame Tye for his ignorance. Ever since he was dumped by Sally in Sec 4, he has become a renowned 'playboy'. As the saying goes: "Once bitten, Twice shy". In this case, after Tye was bitten, he has mastered the art of skinning snakes alive, and making them into soup. But he has all the factors to be a playboy. I see him as the 19 year-old version of Brad Pitt. Tall and handsome, with a tongue that causes diabetes in every woman he targets. I don't think he can even remember how many girlfriends he has had.

I went online that night, log onto channel ajcrr and yes!! She is there. Before I can get over the surprise and the daze, she sent me a message.

hey slorr.. so late haven't slept??

Now what? Now what??!! okok, I had to calm down first. I swallowed hard on my saliva, took a few deep breaths. Now where is that Tye when I needed him most at such crucial moment? Somebody has to tell me what to say to her. How am I going to attract her with my pathetic humour that has gone stale?

slorr...me in a foul mood today.. can't sleep.. u??

what slorr... now when I read it twice in a row, I'm beginning to feel disgusted in that nick Tye gave me. Tye said, "who knows.. it might attract some innocent girls in talking to u."

I'm not feeling very good too.. so let's be sad together.

Finally squeezed out a sentence, but I can already feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead. Actually I'm not in a bad mood, I just wanna follow up her topic that's all. And if she asks for the reason for my feeling down, I can say, "Since you are feeling down, how can I ever be happy?" I know it sounds mushy, but Tye said: "MUSHINESS IS FUNDAMENTAL IN ALL COURTSHIPS."

And girls are a very weird species, they trust their ears far more than their eyes. So instead of doing 10 things to impress her, why not just say a sentence to move her.

Ok... but you haven't greet me yet..."

DAMN IT! How can I forget simple manners to girls. To think they call me 'MR COURTEOUS' in school. If this thing ever leaks out in school, I would lose all my female fans.

Nice to meet u... miss long-hair..

I've been wishing that she were keeping long hair. Tye said: "FlyNDance... hmm.. she would either be longhaired or a desperado, cos when girls dance, only 2 parts of them may fly: hair and skirt. So if she doesn't have long hair, that means her skirt 'Fly's when she dances. AH-HA!!.. this has a certain sexual hint in it...haha.."

eh?... how you know I got long hair?

BINGO!!.. heaven is on my side this time. It goes to prove that she is not DESPERADO. yesh!!..

not only that.. I also know you seldom wear skirt..

I increased the stake, if I m correct this time, peace on earth forever.

err... I guess you r right.. but how you know huh..?
HAHAHAHAHA.... I'm good...just guess...
ok.. hey slorr.. tell you wat.. me tired already.. you coming online tomorrow morning??
ya... y??
Please please please say u're coming too, if not I'm going to kill myself for letting you go tonight. I'll see ya tomorrow at 10 am then...good night...
er.. should be today at 10 am.. ok.. good night too

I just blurted out a last sentence.....Offline.
Suddenly I was so impressed by my performance just now. But is the season of spring really arriving for me?? I wish.

slorr... what a coincidence...
yeah... I'm not late. girls are weird. I thought we already had an arrangement, why do I have to pretend that its not. They must have watched too many movies and like to think that guys they met due to the thing called 'fate' is the best thing that can happen to their love life.
slorr.... you are talking nonsense...
NONSENSE???.. ok, let me tell you what nonsense. Summer's beach, the guy must be good at running, with broad shoulders, dark complexion with a tint of red, sparkling eyes and loud laughter. Then he will call out loud the name of the gal, running towards her, carry her and spin 3 rounds n an anticlockwise direction."
slorr.... you crazy already is it??
I crazy?.. ok.. Let's change a location then. Deep in the mountains, the guy must have long hair, gotta have the look of an artist, carries a sketching stand, a few pieces of drawings, and you can see birds stop over at his side. admiring his work. and there will be a girl who's the model.... most probably naked."
slorr.. but these all very romantic...
ROMANTIC??.. hello miss... romance only survive in novels and movies. In real life, the guy on the beach may step onto broken glass or the girl may be too heavy and it tore his arm muscles. Birds may just clear their waste on top of the guy in the mountains, or he might get a thrashing from the girl because he comments on the excess fats around the waist and hips."
slorr... you hate romance??..
I hate romance?... nope, I'm just using my knowledge of statistics to get a deduction, that guys must be TALL to be romantic, not HANDSOME!! Some love novels even portrayed the guy as normal looking, but no one dares to challenge the height of him!.. I object... because I'm not tall."
slorr.... objection overruled..."

I think I'm really outstandingly nothing to do, talking to her about these until noon.

slorr... are you hungry?...
ya... u??...
yes... guess its time for lunch... slorr.. then do you think we should....?? slorr... I'm just asking... I dun intend to have lunch with u...
Ok, good.. I'm not romantic... neither are u.

I had lunch with Tye and we talked about the conversation with FlyNDance this morning.

"You moron. Told her you are not romantic... you crazy?!.. you have disgraced me man... how can you make such a big mistake? I...I..." Tye grabbed a chicken wing with chopstick, and I can see the trembling of the hand and the wing. "There are 3 'don'ts' in chasing a gal. One...don't forget to be romantic. Two...don't be too honest. Three... don't be too stingy on the sugar in our speech. Noticed number one, you stupid?? What rubbish is that?? In mandarin, we say 'nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai', you should know this..."

"This I know, but it has been a controversial topic over centuries. Women aren't really that...cheap. So why would they only fall for 'bad guys' like me??"

"That's because 'bad guys' are usually romantic... those 'nice guys' are usually...dumdums...so she would rather choose a romantic 'bad guy' rather than any of those dumdums... in maths we call this C1... understand? Dumdum.." Oh, Tye is talking about maths!! Now I understand. No wonder I have always been left on the shelf. "In other words... girls wouldn't mind if you are not tall... if you are not handsome... they can bear with your inconsiderate acts...can forget your stupidity...but they can never forgive you if you are not romantic..."

"Come on, this is so exaggerated."

"Hey... most women have a 'knot' for romance.. just like most men have a 'knot' for virginity... to women they just can't understand how precious the thin layer of membrane is to men, same thing, men can't imagine how important women treats romance."

"This is bullshit! How come I've never heard of that?"

"The key word is 'knot'...if you can untie it... fine.. but how many have actually succeeded in that? Practically none..."

"Ok, fine. Now I've done it... so what should I do to remedy the situation?"

"Face it...you are hopeless already... I promise you I'll have a drink with you when you and her are over..."

"YOU SON-OF-A-B***H."

Mid-night. I am trying to concentrate on my physics notes. F=ma. v=u+at. It's really a wonder that nature can be explained by just a few formulas and equations, and this we call science. Then why is astrology and palmistry being labelled superstitious? Science should only be one of the ways to explain truth. What can't be explained by science, it doesn't necessarily mean that's its unreal. Close to 1am. Since I can't get anything into my head, I shall try my luck on net then. Maybe she is there...

slorr...u here finally... good night to u... :)

'FINALLY'? strange word to use it here. What is she doing here at this hour? Must be feeling down again.

yes... it is fate that brought me to you at this moment...

I am trying very hard to convince her that I'm a bit romantic.

slorr... nothing to do with fate...I waited for you for one hour already...
sure or not?.. for wat?..
to talk to u...or else I can't sleep...
sick izzit?... go and see a doctor.. :)

Let's continue our topic...what do you think of
relationships which begin from internet?

Oh my god... how should I answer her now?

it's.. it's very... romantic...

Indeed I'm not a good liar. Even my words are shaking now.

slorr... you bluffing... you not romantic kind what...

GAME OVER. I'm finished!.. no choice but to drink with Tye.

slorr.... you lagging?... or just don't want to reply me?
no... I'm wondering why is the sky so nice tonight?.."
nonono... dun try to shift the topic... slorr..."

Sigh... I give up... I asked for it myself.

Actually I think relationships started from cyberspace is considered as ROMANTIC, 'Cos romance gives people an impression of unreal, and cyberspace is virtual.
slorr....that's interesting..
surfers keep a safe distance from each other and usually 3 types of pple are produced in this way. The 1st type.... The 1st type being those who present themselves on net with their 'secondary personality'. Usually all of us consists of multiple personalities, and in everyday life, wat we present to the world is the 'primary personality', with the secondary one being suppressed, or maybe we dun even realised this other trait of us deep inside. so internet is the place where this side of us is revealed, both intentionally or without conscious knowledge."
izzit true?... wat about 2nd type..?
The 2nd type are those who will transform themselves into the kind of man/woman he/she would want to be. There's bound to be 1 or 2 characteristics that you particularly admire, too bad, sometimes these characteristics are just couldn't be found in you. Cyberspace is the perfect location for this transformation to occur.
slorr.... you sure you know what you are talking about?.. how about type 3?...
I know what i'm talking about, I read it from an article of TIMES magazine!! Type 3 will be those who transform themselves into characters which are impossible for them to become in real life. for example, if you r a gal, you may act as a man on net. you may even become BATMAN or SUPERMAN if you want."
hmm.. that's pretty amazing...
The 1st type is the 'faithful' type, 'cos its his own personality that is being presented on net. The 2nd type is the 'foolish' type, 'cos he knows only how to admire others, always forgets his own strong points. The 3rd type is the 'pathetic' type, 'cos he is wishing for something impossible."
slorr.... then you belong to what type?... and me?..
i don't wish to believe you r type 3, 'cos i m not. I crossed the possibility of type 1 'cos its too common, because i think you r special. being able to attract u, i think i'm at least a bit special. so we belong to type 2."
type 2.... then who you wish to become slorr..?
i certainly would like to become a person like Tye, humorous, romantic and eloquent, 'cos these are wat i'm lacking of..
slorr.... wat about me?..
YOU?.. i don't know. You want to FLY and DANCE, probably that means you wish to fully enjoy ur youth while you can. but if this is something you wish yet you can't achieve, den there's 2 possibilities: 1, you r ageing, 2, you r leaving the world."

I think I said something wrong, 'cos she didn't sent me anymore messages after this. I began to blame myself for being so perverted, why talk about these things? I should have discussed with her whether ZOE or FANN, who should be the queen of Caldecott Hill. Damn that TIMES magazine! Poisoned my mind. Maybe she's lagging. so I waited... and waited. Although it's just a few minutes, but it felt like several hours. I wanted to apologise, but don't know how to start. Until she sent me a message:

slorr... lets meet...

Without hesitation, I used the hand that I had used for over 18 years to wipe my ass and typed 'O-K'. I'm supposed to meet FlyNDance tonight, 8pm at the entrance of Macdonald's. The one beside YMCA. That's the best time and place to meet a girl you have never met before, according to Tye 'cos they would have taken their dinner by that time which means we can simply go inside the Macs and have some fries and coke. She will be wearing a whole set of coffee theme attire and I will be wearing my usual blues. This is our way of identification. She told me she is not those 'cute girls' I might think she is. I said nevermind, I'm not Brad Pitt either. Then she told me she has long ago given up on this hope already.

slorr... you r early...

While I was idling, a girl tapped my shoulders from my back. Although I was already mentally prepared for anything that's gonna appear in front of me, I was still astonished by this girl who stood in front of me now. If not for the coffee theme and that 'slorr', I would think she is only asking for directions. 'Cos she is one of those chio bus that can only be found on Orchard Road, usually while I am crossing the road. Maybe I suffered from a serious concussion due to the heavy blow, but my mind was extraordinarily calm.

"Had your dinner rite..? I think we should go inside the Macs first..."
"You're pretty smart huh.? A good way to save money indeed..."

GOSH~!!... she knows me so well, I can only give her an innocent smile back. Since she's so pretty, I ordered 2 LARGE cokes, and even ordered TWO packets of fries.

"This time you treat, next time i'll treat you..." I'm not falling for that, miss...but I'm glad she mentioned 'next time'. "slorr... were you disappointed when you saw me just now?.." DISAPPOINTED.? Are you drunk.?
"Why do you think I will be disappointed then?"
"'Cos i told you I'm not cute, so you must be quite disappointed when you saw me.." She is not making sense, but I know she is just trying to hint that she's actually cute.
"Then why did you have to lie that you are not cute?"
"slorr... I said I'm not cute... I didn't say I'm not pretty.." #$%$##%^*&%$@!! "But you are also quite....decent looking what.. It's not like what you described to me too.."

'DECENT'? A very vague word. To many girls, decent is equivalent to boring. One good thing is that she didn't lie to me about the fact that she is keeping long hair. She also has a fair complexion which reminds me of the HL milk I take almost everyday. It is now only that i found out she is from ACJC, but had spent her 1st 3 months in AJ. Sitting in front of each other, we talk about many things. From her obsession with coffee to my hobby of watching movies. In between, she had completely shaken off my misconception of 'if she is pretty, she is brainless'. She appears to be an attractive girl, both physically and character wise, talking, smiling to me, occasionally being a little sarcastic and nasty. It's like a dream. We left the Macs at around 10 pm. Since it was still early, I decided to send her home and fortunately, its just Ang Mo Kio, two MRT stops from mine. I would have a second thought if she's staying at Pasir Ris.

"slorr... congratulations.... you are officially permitted to date me from now on..." She said this before the lift door closed. Back at home, I realised that I hadn't asked for her real name. Maybe it's the influence of that stupid Tye: "Never ask a pretty girl her name the first time you meet her, 'cos there are already too many wolves out there dying to know, so she will be more interested in you if you act like you didn't care..." Then why didn't she ask for mine? Don't tell me there's a female version of Tye telling her not to? It's again 1am. Time to meet her in #ajcrr.

hi slorr..! you tired.?

Of course I'm tired after all the surprises she presented me. I would go straight for my bed if not for her. But why is she here also? Isn't she tired too?

long time no see.. how r u..?
slorr you crazy already? 2 hours ago only.. miss me?
A)yes.. B)of 'cos.. C)abuden...D)dying to see u...E)all of the above.... answer is E...
;:)...

Seems like she is really tired. Even the smiling face is yawning to me right now.

u wanna go for a movie tomorrow..?

Maybe i should ask her now, while she is half asleep, hoping that she will blur-blurly typed 'OK'.

should be no problem... what show.?

HOORAY!!... I'm cheering for her fatigue.

we decide what show tomorrow... anyway what's important is watch with who... not the show..

Tye's favourite line, but i am just borrowing it.

;:)...
you should go sleep now...
wait one little while... you haven't tell me you tired or not?
ok... a bit.... u?..
i'm exhausted.... but have to say good night to you 1st... slorr.. if not i can't sleep..
me too....

I can't believe I'm doing this SILLY business right now....

ok i tell you what.... i count 1,2,3... then we log off together...
ok.... good night slorr...
same to u..
1....
2...
3..

I never talk whenever I'm inside a cinema, and now it is the best time for my mouth to rest. So I spent the following 3 hours to admire this much-talked-about movie of the century, Titanic. I'm not a romantic person, so its perfectly understandable if I can't really appreciate this motion picture fully, except for all those stunning special effects. But something struck me when Jack said to Rose before he sank into the deep ocean..... "Rose, listen to me...listen....winning that ticket was the best thing that had happened to me...it brought me to you....and I'm thankful Rose....I'm thankful...."
Suddenly I felt much more fortunate than Jack, 'cos I dun have to risk my life to board Titanic, all I have to do is to switch on my PC every night. But he's one lucky guy too, 'cos he knows how to draw, and just look at how slowly he was drawing Rose, that made me blame myself for the lack of this talent. But to her, this movie wasn't just about drawings or special effects. I noticed that packet of tissue paper she was holding in her hands. And just when Rose said, "I promise... I will never let go, Jack... I'll never let go.." She opened up her sling bag and here comes the reserve handkerchief.

Damn that Celine Dion, why on earth did she have to sing that 'MY HEART WILL GO ON' at the end of the show? For all the female species inside the theatre, it's like 'MY TEARS WILL ALSO GO ON'
"Ok... movie ended... lets go...." I stood up, speaking to her gently, worried that every single word I breathed out might just crush onto her, and kill her. She continued to sit in that position, looking at me with those beautiful eyes that just came back from a swim. After awhile, she said... "slorr.... movie ended..... but life goes on.. am I rite.?" I nodded my head... but i just wished somebody might give me some clue of what she was saying.

Finally we managed to leave Orchard Cineplex. Since its still early, we decided to take a walk down the street. Along the way, she seems unusually quiet. So I guess Tye was rite about the 'TITANIC FLU'. He said that girls often got so mentally distressed after watching this show and that was the best time to launch an emotional attack on them. That's why Tye had watched Titanic for over 5 times roughly. Her eyes were focused on the path or the crowds but I know her mind was still left on Titanic, sinking with her, waiting for somebody to pull her up. I just kept my mouth shut 'cos I know I'm not a good swimmer. We walked to Plaza Singapura. Suddenly she stopped in front of a Christian Dior counter.

"slorr.. have you read a novel called 'Fragrance'?..."

"Err.. nope.... why do you ask?..."

"Look at this 'DOLCE VITA' from Christian Dior... It's what the guy bought for his girlfriend in the story on her birthday....and he told her 'DOLCE VITA' is Italian, meaning 'SWEET LIFE'..." She pointed to a bottle of perfume at the counter, but I was more interested at the price tag around the neck of the bottle.

"Oh... izzit?..."

"slorr... then do you consider today as 'sweet life'...?"

"At first i did... but some points are deducted since you started crying..."

"That means it can only be considered a little bit sweet. I'll buy the small bottle then..."

I insisted on paying for the perfume as her birthday present from me since I knew her birthday is coming soon so this kinda saves me a lot of trouble of finding a present for her. Luckily its just perfume. I would have to pawn my underwear if that guy in the story gives her girlfriend a diamond or gold bar.

"Are you hungry..? Wanna sit down and have something?..."

"I don't have appetite... what about you..?"

"You eat, I eat...." Her eyes are red again...... I'm such a fool. Finally got away from the noisy crowd at the Mrt station, walking on one of the streets of AMK ave 6. it's so quiet now that I even can hear the rhythm of her heartbeat.

"slorr... do you know what's the correct way of applying perfume.?" I shook my head. In fact, I had never used a perfume or cologne before. Medicated oil maybe. "First you apply some behind your ears... then your neck and wrists... after that spray some onto the air, then walk through it..."

"Sure or not? In that case this little bottle won't even be able to last you for 3 days...."

"slorr.. shall we try.?"

"We? You go ahead... I'm a MAN..."

She opened up that DOLCE VITA then applied some behind her ears, neck then her wrists ... and she really did spray some onto the air!!... WAH!!.. expensive stuffs ya know!!... Finally she stretched out her hands... facing up... enjoying the droplets that fell on her face...

"hahaha...."

"slorr... this is so fun!.... now its ur turn...."
She went through the same procedures with me and I can feel the coldness of her fingers. Maybe it's the perfume... I guess. "slorr... get ready... I'm going to spray!!" I imitated her.. face up...and walked through my first perfume rain. "slorr....lets have another round!!..."

"WHAT!!... serious?.." My money isn't easy to come by!! Before I can collect the broken pieces of my heart, she had walked through her second round. She was even more excited this time, hopping around, like her nick....a flying and dancing butterfly. Late night of AMK, the streets smell unusually nicer right now. Until we finished the whole of that DOLCE VITA.

"DOLCE VITA is exhausted... I guess this sweet time shall end now too....slorr.. I'll go up now.... tonight 1am. I won't be online, and you're not to do so too..."

"huh?....but why?...."

"go online at 12pm tomorrow.. you will know why....remember... only 12pm..." She turned and walked into the lift. At the same time, I saw an obvious pink patch behind her neck that is visible only now because she tied her hair. I looked up towards her window on the 4th floor from below, but it never lighted up.

I switched off the light in my room, engulfed in the absolute darkness 'cos i wished to have the same kind of feeling as her right now. I realised in complete darkness, the easiest mood one gets is loneliness. She must be lonely right now. Half asleep, I almost can see a beautiful butterfly, turning to ashes amidst the sea of flames and that patch behind her neck. From pink it became red... then burgundy, slowly, it swallowed me...Was it the cause of that can of beer just now? Suddenly I felt cold...and shaky.. and that coolness seemed to have come straight from my heart... the rate of my heartbeat was an exponential function of time as it got closer to 1am... USE A DIFFERENT NICK!! Checked. She isn't there...my heart was beating fast...but the tempo remained below healthy level........

Finally it's 12 pm, excited as I was, I logged on to the net, yet there was still no sign of FlyNDance. But there's a mail from her....

Dear slorr,
At first i thought it will be easier for me to settle down in the darkness... recollecting memories we have shared... but all i felt was loneliness...... can you feel it too?... I still can't change the habit of logging on at 1am... so i used a different nick to sneak into AJCRR... you dun blame me right?...:P... you weren't there... should i feel glad for ur obedience?.... you said both of us belonged to TYPE 2... the foolish type...maybe you r right!... 'cos I really do admire those who dares to fight for their desires... I stroke my hair gently when you said that i'm leaving the world... and a few strands of hair fell..... No!... doctor told me its not a terminal disease... and doctor aren't supposed to lie!!?... I still can live like a normal person... BUT CAN I?.. FlyNDance... is it really something i wont be able to do?... After the 1st meeting with you at Mcs... I started to realise that you r not only a virtual being living in the cyberspace... in reality you r strong, gentle and sensitive.... i can feel the defence wall of my heart is slowly breaking apart.... i'm defeated... I tied my hair today.. 'cos my friend told me that i look more attractive this way... I want you to remember my face as it is today... 'cos after today... everything may change.... But why didn't you ask for my real name?.. that's why i never asked for yours... hey i'm a girl.. :P... do you realised how i wish to have something more than a nick to take along with me?...Slorr... thank you for the DOLCE VITA... finally got a taste of what sweet times are like... but i am really sorry..... i just couldn't bear to say goodbye..... since it started from a mail.... it should end with a mail too.... Its been 3 months and 2 days since the very 1st mail... not a very long time but it isn't short either.... our story began from me... and I will end it. Maybe its what you said...'internet is fast and convenient, but it isn't perfect'.... I can send you my thoughts right away... but not my tears... Its about 5.30am now.... time to go.... by the time you receive this mail... i would be trying to settle down somewhere else.... i don't know....Good Bye.
With lotsa love,
FlyNDance

After reading her mail, I felt as if I had just experienced a roller-coaster ride which almost derailed. She had shown me the other side of her, soft and sensitive. For a couple of months, I tried to delude myself, to suppress my feelings whenever I started to think about her again. I told myself perpetually that she is just one virtual character that flies and dance in the net, but never in the real world. I became a fugitive, escaping from my PC, escaping from the internet and anything that has to do with coffee. Hid myself behind the piles of lecture notes, behind the crowd of people, trying to get rid of this thought of missing something in life. But I failed. I found out that it's not that I don't miss her, it's just that I had forgotten the passion that always comes along when you have something hanging on your mind all the time. It's like I cannot not breath, its just that I had forgotten the fact that I have been breathing in and out for the past 19 years. I can hold my breath for a while, but not forever. I have to find her.

"Err... i m looking for ... er.. FlyNDance...."

"HUH??..." 'Huh'. This is the exact word I was expecting from her. She seems to be FlyNDance's elder sister, 20++, looked quite a beauty too, even without any makeup. But of course, still can't be compared with her. I explained to her my purpose for knocking on the door and told her that I'm no stalker that she might think I am. Surprisingly, when I told her my disgusting nick, slorr, she appeared to be rather excited and quickly scribbled something on a small piece of paper and handed it to me.
"You should go and see her.."

SGH. Room 3-425. This is the first time I've ever stepped into the Singapore General Hospital. It's a dust-free space, everything looked so clean, tidy and arranged. But I don't like the feeling it gave me. I entered room 3-425 and she was there. in a deep sleep. I stood by her, watching. Her hair was still as long as before, laying across the soft, white pillow. Her face looked round now, I know it's the side-effect of the medicine... and the pinkish-red patch that was on her neck had spread to her face... appearing in a shape of a butterfly. Nevertheless, she was still the most beautiful butterfly I've ever seen. Her eyelashes twitched slightly.. she must be dreaming... what's that in her dream?? McDonald's fries and coke? Sinking Titanic? Or the rain at AMK ave 6? The room was getting darker as the clock approached 6pm. I wanted to switch on the light 'cos I hate to see her lying lonely under the shadow of a patient's room. But I'm worried that her dreams might be disturbed by the sudden light rays. While I was in a dilemma, her eyes opened slowly.

Her eyes were wide on me. then she turned away suddenly. I can only see her back at this moment. She lost weight. After a long time, she turned to face me again. rubbed her eyes...and smiled....
"slorr.. You're here.!"

"Yes. nice weather today.. isn't it.?"

"Yah.. sky also very nice today right?...heehee.."
'SKY VERY NICE'... i can still remember this was the conversation we had in one of our #ajcrr meetings...But she didn't realised that it's raining today... "slorr.... why r you standing there.. sit down.." Thanks for reminding me. I just found out that my legs were numbed due to the several hours of standing. "slorr... you lost weight..." ME? I thought I should be the one who's telling this to her!!?? "slorr. you hungry? Had your lunch? Food here isn't so good.. that's why patients like me always slim down abit.. apart from that.. its quite ok.. but sometimes I feel really bored without a PC here to talk to you.."
"slorr.. How's your mid-year? Sure did very well right?" WAIT A MINUTE!.. You're the one who's lying on bed right now!! Not me! Yet, I had nothing to ask her 'cos I was there to see her, not to find out the answers to those questions. Maybe now is the time for me to utter some touching lines like what's in the case of a movie. But I'm not a Romantic person. Moreover, movies are fiction, life isn't. I just wished that she could leave this place, which almost made me sick, as soon as possible. Back to AMK ave 6, back to ACJC, back to where she belonged and I promise she won't be alone anymore 'cos I will always be there. After a while, her mum was here to see her. Around the age of 50, slightly overweight. Other than the cheerful smile, she didn't really remind me of FlyNDance.

"Err...I think I've gotta go now... bye bye auntie.."

"You....You..." She sat up straight in a sudden, as though experiencing a tremendous shock.

"I'll be here again tomorrow.. and the day after tomorrow... until you leave this place..."

Before I went back home, I went to Plaza Singapura again to buy that Christian Dior Dolce Vita and I got the biggest bottle this time, one that she can even swim in. I try not to close my eyes that night, 'cos I want to go to her as soon as the first sun rays shoot into my room. I hired a cab, didn't want to waste too much time on bus.

"slorr.. You're here.. I've been waiting for you for a long time..."

"Had a good night's rest.?"

"Oh... I didn't allow myself to fall into a deep sleep 'cos I know you won't wake me up when you're here..."

"Then you should take a rest now..."

"Err... since you're here already... I don't think I can..."

I gave her the Dolce Vita, and we agreed that we would dance in the rain in front of SGH main entrance the day she's discharged. I dare not look straight at her 'cos theres a butterfly on her face. It was only last night before I leave SGH that I found out she's suffering from an illness called ERYSIPELAS. What the un-professionals call the BUTTERFLY DISEASE. But what I like is the coffee butterfly that is able to dance around freely, not that pinkish-red butterfly that settled on her pale complexion. Moreover, what's a butterfly if it can't fly?

"slorr.. why are you looking at me and not talking?" I don't know 'cos I noticed that she's getting weaker physically. I had a bad feeling about that. "slorr... i m thirsty... can you get me a drink?" I'm not leaving her at this moment. I can still remember a movie about this guy who went all the way to get red bean soup for his girlfriend who's on a sickbed and to find her lying silently on the white bedsheet when he came back... never to wake up again...

"Are you trying to get rid of me...like what's in that movie.?"

"slorr... movie is movie... life is life..."

MOVIE? LIFE? "But I thought you just had a drink? Anyway. so what can I get for u?"

"Ultimate Ice Blended.!!" This is a hospital!! Did she think I can find Coffee Bean everywhere on this island? Like Macdonald's? What's more, coffee wasn't suitable for her at that time...

"Err.... coffee isn't good for health.. order something else...ok?"

"So you know coffee isn't good for the body too... then you should cut down on your intake also ok?" I saw her smile appearing and there's a shine in her eyes. I realised that she's just trying to tell me not to drink too much coffee in the future. My heart seemed to have suffered from a heavy blow. This is not good. A taste of pH7 has started to fill my nose. If this is not going to stop, tears might be the next thing that appears in front of her. I recalled the chapter on reservoir and dam in my physics textbook and quickly applied the knowledge on me, even if it's just a few droplets.

"Ok... I promise... I'll try my best.."

"And try to sleep earlier in the future...and don't skip breakfast... It's important for you... and don't be too obsessed with blue.. it makes you look. troubled....and....." This doesn't sound good. It's like giving the final instructions before she...I can't bear to let her continue.

"Okok... I'll go get you a drink right away."

"slorr... is the machine far away? If it is, then it's ok.. i don't want it anymore..."

From my mental calculation, men would take 67 steps while women would take 85 steps to reach the vending machine right at that corner. Plus the time taken to purchase, average would take a total of 1.8-2.1 minutes... not very far... "Quite near.."

"slorr.... come back quick... I don't want to be alone for too long.... I hate that feeling.."

I didn't answer her....I just increased my pace...

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"Eh... It's late already... go to sleep.."
My mum was nagging at me again.
"Okok.... 10 more minutes..."
Until today, FlyNDance has left for more than 2 months. I still log on at 1am every night, but in channel DOLCE-VITA which was created by myself, with slorr and FlyNDance being the only 2 nicks inside, for 10 minutes. Although she won't be able to fly and dance in real life anymore, but I still wish that she could continue to do so in the virtual world. Even Tye has given up on me...
"She's gone.... why are you still doing this? For what?!!" Yet, even if that's the case, I can't allow her soul to be left at the corner of loneliness 'cos she said she hated the feeling of being alone.

I still remember there was a heavy downpour on that day. When I reached SGH, they told me a coffee butterfly flew away from her room at around 1am last night. After that, I can't remember. I just knew that I stood at the bus-stop for a whole day and I was all wet because of the rain. Even my face. I've been trying hard not to think of her over these two months. I've been hoping that her face won't appear in my mind every moment that I breath, but it's like hoping that the sky isn't blue, the grass isn't green, the stars do not twinkle at night. Basically, I was hoping for something impossible to happen. I can't believe that I'm of Type 2, even in real life.

Did i cry? NO WAY! I said it before, I'm not a romantic person, and this may be due to the efficiency in the hormones that constitutes emotions. Whenever I have the feeling of pH7, I'll browse through those forward jokes. Attention will then be shifted to those dim-witted, low-class jokes. So now everything is back to the way it was before I met her 9 months ago. Tye is still flirting around, and i'm still the old decent (dull) me. But I've stopped taking coffee and beer.
"Son... is this for u...?"
My mum handed me a letter she picked up in the mailbox this morning. I was surprised when I saw 'To: slorr...' written on the envelope. That's for me I guess. I opened it up and there was a piece of writing inside and another coffee envelope.

Slorr,
I'm FlyNDance's sister, i think this is how you are addressing her. I m sorry that i do not know your real name, although we'd met before. When i was packing her stuffs a few days ago, I found this letter with your name and address already written on it. So i posted it to you, because I believe this is what my sister intended to do.
Best wishes,
Xiao wen

The letter was sent 3 days ago, and there was another 'To: slorr...' followed by my home address written on the coffee envelope. But this handwriting was a lot nicer and the words seemed to be moving swiftly, like in a joyful dance. I had no time to figure out how she has gotten my home address. Did I give her in one of my mails? I tried to control my trembling hands. Slowly, I opened up the envelope. I found a photo, and half of a movie ticket inside. Apart from these, there was a blue letter with the familiar DOLCE VITA smell on it. The photo showed her, standing on a piece of grassland, wearing the same coffee theme attire during our first meeting at Macdonald's. Something was written at the back of it....

Dear slorr,
Coffee represents Pisces. that's me.
Blue represents Sagittarius. that's you.
A blue letter inside a coffee envelope....
Know what i mean.? :) Seeing me... do you feel like drinking coffee now? stop drooling!... :P
FlyNDance

I smiled.... bitterly. The contents of the blue letter is simple:

If I have one more day to live,
I want to be your girlfriend.
Do I have one more day? No.
Too bad. I can't be your girlfriend...
Not in this life.
If I have wings, I want to fly down from
Paradise just to see you.
Do I have wings? No.
Sadly, I can never see you again.
If all the water are drawn out of the bath-tub, it still can't put off the flame of love between us.
Can all the water in a bath-tub be drawn off?
Can.
So, yes. I LOVE YOU.

FlyNDance

My chest was torn apart. Tears broke through the dam I carefully constructed a long time ago. As proud for being as emotionless as I was, I can't pull back the salty wet substance that's on the whole of my face anymore. She has changed my 'little theory' and gotten back what I'd owed her... tears for 2 months....

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